Loss

People always say to give it time,that it is time that heals all wounds but when a loved one has been taken away from you, cruelly ripped away from the life they enriched the most the wound is one that time fails in its assumed efforts to heal. People also say that love is a universal language but you only have to witness an exchange between two mothers who lost a child to realize that loss is instead the universal language.

It is a language with no set structure, vowel or form, a language that is unique to each one that encounters it, one that has a variety of interpretations, reactions and who`s occurrence can be soul destroying. Loss is a strong language that has no punctuation’s or pronoun’s – only a verb … and it is then that loss becomes a reality.

We often don`t want to think about death, we eschew it out of our minds, pretend that it won`t happen to us or those dear to us, we fool ourselves into believing that it will happen later, much later in life. When we have said what we have to say, done what was needed, accomplished everything on life’s to do list, and loved with all we had, exhausted ourselves from giving with the receiver at heart. Yes, death or any other kind of loss will happen on our own watch not one that God foresaw and meticulously planned and arranged for – No, yet we attend funerals every Saturday, we bow our heads in condolence, offer soothing words to a friend who lost a lover, a hug to a daughter who lost a friend, tears and a bouquet of flowers for a grieving colleague.

We exhaust our finances, month after month paying funeral policies. So much time and effort preparing for the event death yet so little if any, to create the appropriate mental, spiritual and emotional setting for the moments after discovery, the day he\she walks out the door, the second after the coffin is lowered to the ground.

Then again how do you ask someone to prepare for pain? We are taught how to avoid pain, deal with it, speak about it but never how to prepare for it. The questions filling your mind up, threatening to do away with you, Did I love them enough? Respect them enough? Did I show them how I feel? The raw emotions that run so deep are unexplainable and incomparable to none. Why did they have to leave? Why them and not so and so, what did i do to deserve such, how could they abandon me like that, is it my fault, am i being punished for some far away long forgotten sin-when dawn breaks and sun sets we torture ourselves with questions who`s answers go a long way towards soothing a heart, yet are not present at that time. It is in time that we find those answers as our journey unfolds, the scope of our lives, experiences and opportunities expands that we find those answers as we face pain, hate it, will it away, fight it and embrace it.

We find answers with time as it lends us people, places and a few laughs, as we battle the anger, refuse the loneliness, wallow in confusion and sometimes find the worlds lost, give the hugs not given, cry the uncried tears and wallow in self pity, amaze at nothingness – all in time and I believe that is the only purpose time serves.
We all have lost at one time or another – Some losses more celebrated than others, some met with confusion and bewilderment, some truly heart wrenching and even this explanation fails to justify the emotions felt when one has adored, respected, anticipated, planned, embraced, given life to, given all to, loved and then unexpectedly, unknowingly, without acknowledgement or agreement, cruelly lost. One might have lost a grandmother, a family member, a friend, a life partner, husband or wife, colleague or neighbor or just, that one special person who`s voice complimented every note in one`s life, who`s smile opened the heavens wide, that one dear person that could`ve given so much, could`ve done so much and become a lot more – we all have gone without at a point in our lives. Be it of death, a breakup, an argument, a complication, to another country, to another person or just a disappearance. We all walk around with little badges of pain over a loss, a wound conceived by loss and unable to be diminished not even by time.

I know what it is to lose one dear to me, and each day I think a little about her, dream a bit about her, talk some about her, talk a little to her and pray a lot for her and I would die than have her not believe a truth that keeps me sane and sustains me – That she is alive in my memories and that I loved her beyond her death.

Life : It goes on

While on my way to one of life’s events starring out the window on a chilly Thursday morning i noticed that it was raining, for the first time i noticed the beauty of rain as each drop fell from the sky and hit the ground without much fore warning or negotiation. The rain water was flowing ever so smoothly along the streets, creating little pools of heaven on earth. My soul was pacified. I thought “wow! Joburg is sad so it’s crying for the entire population to see.” I smiled to myself as i recognized that silly thought and it dawned on me that life is similar to Johannesburg’s tears, it goes on even when every fiber of its existence is fighting for it to stop. Life proudly displays its joys and shows its pain for all to see, no matter how badly you want it to, it never stops.

As you may have guessed i was going through my own life’s pain when i stumbled on that realization whose truth was beginning to fade as it threatened my will to stay true. Everybody goes through pain and change once in a while but the common mistakes they make is to allow that pain to change them, to wish away life’s progressiveness or allow life’s madness to become their sanity. They become addicted to life’s pain and thus allow life to dictate their own lives. That is not living, it existing and rolling with the punches, going with the flow or whatever else you may call it.

When you allow life’s pain to change you, you are giving up all the right`s to being yourself and throwing away all control to life which is influenced by a lot of people, events and objects and it is obvious then that you won’t be enjoying the wonder that is life because you’ll be too busy rolling with the punches and going with the flow. When life has you beaten and bruised never surrender yourself to its bitter juice and become the person that it’s shaping you to be. In essence I’m saying don’t be shaped by`life`, give shape to your own life because that is the real accomplishment: knowing that the shape your life is in at the moment is of your own efforts or lack thereof. Trudge on no matter how much it hurts because the greatest teacher of life is pain-not experience, you learn by getting burnt by the fire, not standing near the fire.
This is the beauty of life: it goes on and on and on. Even if your world has stopped and your silently wishing life away there are multitudes of people cheering it on and because you’re so focused on your paused world you fail to notice the real activity in life and become the loser because as you were isolated and engrossed in your own life the rest of the world is moving on, living, playing. Ever noticed how when your heartbroken it becomes a shock to see the hustle and bustle of everyday life because yours had stopped as you were too busy engrossed in life’s pain? Grab this bull by the horns and keep trudging on even when the road ahead seems steep because only then will you realize that life, it goes on and on and on, no matter what pain you’re in and it’s about time you followed in its footsteps, that’s right, never stop going on and on and on.

When you’re so engrossed in pain, whether you’re trying to solve it or you’re just stuck in it you begin to lose touch with reality and allow that madness to become your sanity. You will wake up one day an realise that you were holding on to false identities, beliefs, hopes and truth because you were functioning on a madness that you believed so badly was your sanity. You had internalized life’s events, promises and dreams as your own so basically you sold your sanity for madness without even realising it.
Life goes on and on and on, rather follow in its footsteps and keep going on even if you have to wear your pain and tears for the whole world to see, even if you will proudly display your happiness because life goes on so learn to go on as well.

A woman talks to women

Can I talk to women today? Can I be blatantly and painfully honest with my words? Everyone who knows me knows that I’m a lover of and fighter for women, hell I love women so much I even crush on them, I defend them on my twitter timeline and get called names for my efforts, I cry for them just as I cry if someone disrespect’s blackness, my mother or myself. I am a proud black woman but I’m beginning to see certain trends with females that just bothers me and today, right now, this right here is my chance, my space to let it out and let it hang, I need to or else I will stay with this pain and anger and those are joy stealer’s so let’s talk it out females.

You go on Twitter or Facebook and call another woman a bitch, a hoe but when a man calls you a bitch or a hoe he’s wrong? Don’t get me wrong I sometimes fall in the trap of degrading us by labeling as well and I had to change my ways and rather put the word hoe in a quotation mark if I definitely, absolutely had to use it. Now we get females who don’t even know each other calling each other hoes as if they’ve been inside each other, what would make you hate yourself like that? Don’t you know that what you do to another woman you do to yourself? In Isizulu they say Ivili liyajika (the wheel rotates) and Isixhosa says Inxeba lomfazi alihlekwa (a woman’s wound is never to be laughed at) because you are female and human too so please let’s stop this labelling of each other as females and rather pull for each other instead of at each other because that’s the only way well stop these men from calling us names, its starts with us.

You keep taking back the man who cheats on you, doesn’t support your child, abuses you emotionally and physically and to thank him for treating you like rubbish you decide to cook for him, live with him, have more of his babies and clean his house, when are you going to start loving yourself? Sometimes we as women have got to assume the responsibility for our own misery, the fact that you keep taking him back is giving him consent to keep doing it, he can’t treat you like garbage if you don’t give him the permeation and I don’t care if he is your meal ticket, go find a home, a neighbour, a church to live in while you get yourself together. Rather live in a mess than be a mess.

Your social networking avatar’s are all pictures of you half naked with all your bits hanging out and then you expect to find a man who will respect you and love you for you? Are you out of your mind woman?! What you give to the world is exactly what you’re going to get back so if you’re going to project sex symbol/sex on legs hot as hell that’s exactly what you’re going to get back. After all of this we have the nerve to complain when men objectify us and use us half naked on their music videos when we give them permission to do so by undressing our own selves and inviting the world in.

Getting married is not being crowned miss universe so stop pressurising your men to marry you and stop thinking that you’re better than other women who are not married or they will be the first to laugh when that man goes and cheats on you with one of their daughters. Another thing, can the side dishes stop hoping that they will replace the wives? Really now that is so 90s, if you are a side dish you must sit down very comfortably on that non prioritized bench and shut up and if you’re the wife you should be keeping your dignity and pride intact by not running after every woman he cheats with.

Now this goes out specifically to the black females because yall know what our culture says, can we please stop living with men who haven’t paid lobola? The next thing you’re going to be complaining after he has lived with you for 10 years, has you mothering 3 of his children and goes and marries someone he’s known for 6 months, it happens more often than you know, trust me I’ve seen it so if he hasn’t put a ring on it within 3 years move on instead of holding on to a loser and further devaluing yourself by moving in with someone who’s just “hiring” your services and has no intention of drawing up a long term contract with you. I’ve said my piece and I feel so much better, sometimes these woman to woman talks are necessary, we can’t claim sisterhood if we’re not going to point out each others wrongs and help each other move forward.

Thou Shall Listen to Thy Parents-[How To Survive In The Jungle]

I know this sounds ancient and biblical but it is true. You should always listen to your parents regardless of how old you are because in the eyes of your parent you will always be a child. The reason why I advocate listening to your parents all the time is because your parent has lived before you were even an idea. If you are female, your mother went through menstruation, relationship problems, self esteem and self image issues just like you have and that means that your mother is your immediate, personal source of wisdom. If you are male then your father checked out girls like you do, questioned his manhood like you do, had his first wet dream like you did so really, your parent knows everything that you have and will go through and if you ask you might just find that your parent has personally experienced some things that you are going through.

Your parents are the closest thing to God that you can find. They will never give you wrong advice just to spite you, they will not go around the neighborhood telling everyone your business, they want to see you prosper, live healthily, become the person you were meant to be, in a nutshell, your parents love you so why the hell wouldn’t you take advice from someone who only has your best interest at heart?

The best thing about heeding your parents advice is that your parent knows you more than anyone else in your life, the only person on earth who knows you better than your parent is yourself so when you decide to take your parents advice you will have the peace of mind knowing that it is tailored to you specifically. Your parent will give you advice based on the person you are, they know you so they won’t advice you to do something that they know you will find impossible and you will always know that no matter how bitter, that advice comes from a place of love.

I remember when my mother used to tell me to “stay away from boys” I was a teenager, I was hormonal and the world was mine to conquer so there was no need to listen to my old mother who didn’t have a clue about being a teenager and didn’t realize how staying away from the opposite sex would absolutely destroy my social life and cripple me for life. I look back on that time as an adult after I have been broken, used and hurt by boys and some scares are still there, right now I have trust issues when going in to relationship and had I listened to my mother, I wouldn’t have gone through so much pain.

If you ask anyone who got pregnant prematurely, became a father prematurely or contracted the HI virus “I should have listened to my mother” would probably be one of their their regrets because had they done so, they wouldn’t have ended up with such consequences. The thing about people is that we want to learn from trial and error. We refuse to be told what to do because we know everything right? Wrong. We first want to go through something before we believe that it can be detrimental to our health- emotional or physical. So we go through the experience and only once we have found out that the consequences aren’t so pleasant, do we go back to our parents to help us clean our mess up when we refused to listen to them or didn’t bother consulting them when they could have helped us prevent our current mess. Listen to your parents before it is too late, before you have a mess to clean up.

The reasons behind – How to Survive In the Jungle

Going through life I have made many discoveries, learnt valuable but painful lessons and engaged in many things prematurely. I always wondered why someone doesn’t just create a manual for life, some may say that the ultimate manual for life is the bible but I’m talking about something that is individual specific and situation specific, something that can be read from the moment one goes in to their teens, something that even atheists and agnostics can find relevant and helpful.

One of the discoveries I made is that people don’t always listen to their parents, no matter how old you are there are times that you will ignore what your parent is saying and do what you want, what you think is right for you and now, wouldn’t it be fabulous if there was some text, some lifeline, some guidance that you could refer to when you reach those times that you don’t want to listen to your parents? Lets face it, a letter to Drum magazines agony aunt takes too long when your troubled. This is why I have decided to share these articles, these lessons I’ve learnt and watch some people learn the hard way. How to survive in the jungle is a simple, useful and thoughtful compilation of lessons, things that you have probably experienced, some may be new to you and some may not and I hope you’ll enjoy the ride with me.

I guess one could say that this is a guide to life, but since everyone has different experiences and life paths not everything that I have included here will be useful to everyone, but what I have written here is helpful, real and current.

There are some truth’s of life, the real things in life that aren’t found in a life orientation text book, that your parents can’t tell you and your friends have no experience about. They are jungle secrets that you only learn from living. The secrets of the jungle that is life that we most often learn through pain, regret and loss. Today I begin a weekly journey in to How To Survive In The Jungle and hope you learn as much as I have.

[Picture from Google : Vanhaydu.com]

So You want to be thin?

So you want to be thin? You spend a good portion of your salary buying herbal teas and all sorts of diet concoctions that promise you a slimmer you and you dream of wearing a bikini without seeing any bulges or having to hide anything? Well read on and allow a size 6 to explain to you why you should hold on to your curves. I will call it the chronicles of the skinny girl, let’s laugh a little while I introduce you to the other side of skinny and hopefully by the end of this you will choose to be healthy and not skinny. I haven’t always been skinny, a fact that most people find hard to believe but honestly I was a chubby kid and an even chubbier teenager and then life happened in High School and I shrinked down to a tiny size 6 without really making the effort to, it just happened and being the only thin girl in a family of curvy women was not easy but that was better than going out in to the world where every second person felt obliged to tell me that I should start eating to get some “meat” on my “bones”.

What in the hell would make you think that I don’t eat? Look here I’m a black woman born and bred in a township and that means that pap is my staple food, I eat meat almost every day, vegetables are always fried and a healthy diet is a foreign term to my mother, well up until recently so you may be surprised that I actually eat more than you do, I eat even when I’m full just because I love food so staying skinny because I don’t eat is impossible. In the black culture turning down a plate of food is thought to be an insult so going on a diet was near impossible. Then I have to deal with the men who think that all I am and could ever be is sex on legs. These kinds of men would never think of marrying me, let alone being in a long term relationship with me and this has nothing to do with who I am but how I look cause hey, I’m hot, I’m eye candy so when they see me they see their new trophy girlfriend, something to show off to their friends while their wives (most of whom are full figured are at home with the children) and this is further perpetuated by those hottest women in the world lists where most if not all of those women are thin so it’s safe to say that my body type would be the pin up poster type for most men. Thanks to that I now have to differentiate between men who want my body and men who want the real me before I get in to a relationship with anyone (and the number of those who want my body increases daily) and oh did I mention that coupled up females automatically dislike me or think I’m about to jack their men the minute they see me? All this because of the shape of my body.

Lastly are my own insecurities and finding clothes that fit me because believe it or not, skinny girls also have problems finding clothes that fit them properly and I assume that’s why Edgars now has a “petite” label for all those skinny girls who are too old for the kiddies section or too broke to go to a tailor to adjust their clothes, I have even had friends that couldn’t find bras that fitted their little boobs, these are grown ladies who’s boobs are too small to fit in to a bra, thank God I don’t have that problem but it happens, you have a new appreciation for your boobs now don’t you? My insecurities range from one day thinking my butt is too small to a big stomach, stretch marks (I did say that I was a chubby teen so I got to keep the stretch marks when I lost the weight) and everything in between, I’m a woman, I’m human just like any thick woman out there so the next time you want to trade those curves, remember that the grass is not always greener on the other side and when you see a skinny girl please stop being nasty, she’s not out to steal your man although you might want to keep an eye on your man who will probably try his luck on her! I can guarantee you that almost every thin woman has part of herself that she would love to enlarge but the same can’t be said for the big ladies can it? Keep your curves, love them and learn to love and accept yourself just as you are, skinny or not. Stay beautiful because you are, no matter which size you are, its okay!

Relationships 101 For Damsels in Distress [Part 1]

In my lifetime I have seen sisters lose themselves in relationship that aren’t even worth their time, fight it out for men that don’t deserve them and get broken by weaklings of men and thus I have taken it upon myself to compile some rules for relationships, the stuff your mother never told you and some unfortunately had to learn through experience. This is my opinion of what not to do whether your in love or you’ve just been dumped and I hope you see yourself within these rules, you learn from these tips and most of all you avoid getting in these kinds of situations because I want you all to stay beautiful and stress and heartbreak free, so let’s start off with part one!

»You don’t own a man. Yes he might. be your boyfriend or your husband but No woman has ownership of a man because all creation belongs to God. When you accept that a man is with you by choice not because he belongs to you, you free yourself from so much stress so stop running around claiming a man that hasn’t even married you as “My hubby” or “My man” because he isn’t and I’m pretty sure his side dish will agree with this.

»Just because he has a child with you it doesn’t mean that he will stay with you. It shames me to still be talking about this in 2013 but just last week I met a young, beautiful woman who told me “He gave me my first child so he’s got to finish it off by fathering all of my children, he’s going to marry me.” That statement proves that some women have not learned that your uterus does not hold the key to your marital status. The farther of your baby is exactly that, the farther of your baby, not your future husband until he honours you by making you his wife so don’t expect it, don’t demand it and don’t push him in to it because it might just not happen.

»If you guys have been together for more than 3 years, there’s no ring and he’s employed and stable,pack your bags and make a run for it if you still want to get married! One thing I have learned from experience is that if a man wants a woman he will do whatever it takes to get her, he will get over his commitment issues pronto, he will move a danm mountain if it means getting what he wants because men are selfish like that and please do not fall for the “were still getting to know each other” excuse, I met a man who figured me out, as in how I think, the colour of my soul, what I like and don’t like etc. In just 2 weeks! And we weren’t even dating, we just spent a lot of time spilling our hearts to each other so keep a packed bag and when he starts giving you excuses, run. You deserve so much better.

»Respecting a man is like respecting your parents-you don’t have a choice, Your obliged to respect your man regardless of whether you make more money, are older or more intelligent than him. A good man should be able to pay this back by respecting you in return and please don’t don’t confuse respect and being passive. Don’t swear at him, don’t shout at him because he isn’t a kid and if you want him to act like one then please disregard this piece of advice.

»I know how wonderful men are and how we make them our first priorities just because we love them but if you have kids-read this very slowly and carefully. Your children don’t deserve to be second best, they don’t deserve to feel as though they aren’t good enough so please –never put a man’s needs before your kids because they don’t understand how it feels to love a man, this said from someone who has experienced it. Love your children completely and protect like a mother bear and if the man your with is the right one for you he will love you even more for it. You should never have to choose between your children and a man because your children should come first – always.

Woman

Woman, i saw your tears trickling down your face
I have watched your anger fade as if never there
I have marveled at your resolve to make it through the rain
I saw your face crumple in to a frown
I have watched your passionate anger mould in to a cloud
That is because i have stood on your shoulders for far too long

I was repeatedly raped in the dark of night by a man
You believed to be your life partner a man with whom you shared a bed
How bravely you reacted packed me and your bags and left
Sat with me in chilly court rooms rocked me and told me it will be okay
How you wept I will never forget

When poverty ripped you of your dignity
And you had nothing left but your children
When single parenthood stripped you of everything except your strength
Woman you took to the streets selling odds and ends so the kids would be fed
You stretched a Rand and the kids were never hungry going to bed
Woman how you never gave up for them
Your strength never wavering to this day
I am dazed

When he ripped your heart in to a thousand little pieces
Abused your silence and rebelled against what you had to give him
Woman how you loved him still
Remains undisputed
Yes he did not come home,
Six nights in a row,
Yet life went on.
Your soul torn,
Again you loved.

Brought that child to earth,
Suckled on your breast,
Rejoiced over her first step,
So she can walk in to your room and steal while you slept.
So he beat on you but you never reported,
This is your baby you know he will change.
Even when his deeds delivered him to prison,
You wrote and visited
That cold place he doesn’t deserve
Where he doesn’t belong
He should be at home
Resting against mamas bosom
You never let up
You never slowed down
You soldiered on.

Now take a deep breath relax yourself,
Take some time for this heroine of soul that is so unsung.
No, not her, him, them or us
I’m talking about this creature of God.
Relax, slow down and sit down
While i read you this poem
That celebrates your soul
And tomorrow you will continue to soldier on

As I talk to myself . . .

Hi everyone, I’m MissySparkles and I talk to myself, its become so bad that I find it hard not to do it in public, every time I’m with friends I rush home so I can talk to myself, I don’t do sleep overs cause I’m afraid my host will find out, I listen to music at insanely high levels so the neighbors can’t hear me laugh at my jokes and my family thinks I’m crazy because of this, my church pastor thinks there’s a demon inside me that needs to be exorcised and thus red wine has been my only therapist because of the shame, red wine and the mirror I look in to as I talk to my drunk self, so hi everyone, I’m an alcoholic.

A tweet from @Factsordie boosted my ego and made me feel less abnormal about being a PTTS (Person That Talks To Self) although its not to the extreme I described above but I have been called crazy a few times by my family but I like crazy, I like everything that’s not normal, why be normal and fit in when you can be crazy and stand out right? @Factsordie tweeted that talking to yourself makes you smarter and after grinning in public like the crazy person I am I took to researching that because I needed as much information as possible if I was to stage an intervention for my ignorant family.

So bigthink.com says that Talking to yourself helps to regulate your decision-making capabilities while a study by Daniel Swingley at the University of Wisconsin and Gary Lupyan at the University of Pennsylvania says people who talk to themselves find it easy to find things, not so crazy now am I? So next time you label a PTTS remember that they might just be smarter than you.

As for me I’m not about to stop talking to myself anytime soon, its therapeutic, helps makes sense of things, is one of the reasons I enjoy my company better than anyone else’s and besides, I love the sound of my voice and if brain doctors think I’m sane then I believe them. Have fabulous Thursday Honeys!

[Picture from readmedaily.com]

I already met my soulmate and our souls didnt mate

He was tall, dark and gorgeous. He was supportive, intelligent and broad minded. He was down to earth, educated, had a sense of humor and wait for it … He had a job that was more than just a job, it was his passion. He respected me, He made time to get to know me, He spent his free time trying to understand me, He loved the things I loved, He listened to me and when he saw my weaknesses, he made me better. He was mine and every time I prayed I thanked God for creating a man like him for a woman like me and that was it, I had met my soul mate!

Society then expected us to stay faithful to each other, to trust each other (are you kidding me?), to get married, have children and live happily ever after but because were human beings we broke each other, lied to each other, betrayed each other and almost destroyed each other. He wasn’t quite the same after that and to be honest, neither was I.

I found out that human beings are imperfect and riddled with mistakes. We are evil (Yes that includes the extremely religious), we are crazy and judgmental, we tell everyone that were normal yet we all do abnormal things behind closed doors. Human beings lie, steal and cheat, its a thrill, its forbidden fruit and its called adrenaline and we are animals although the classier type. That’s why we can’t stay faithful and forever and ever has to be forced in order to be possible, do I sound cynical? I’m not, I’m just realistic.

My point here is that we met and expected our souls to mate like we were told but that’s impossible given what I’ve just explained above! Refuse to be governed by what other people think, believe and expect. Refuse to conform and live your life in a box, show the world the finger and decide to do you after all, who’s life is it anyway? I expect his soul is happy wherever it is and I’m glad my soul didn’t like his because my soul prefers diamonds and pearls to any man. So be you, be true, all the time and not only will you remain beautiful, you’ll have more fun.