What is wrong with solitude?

What is wrong with solitude?.

What is wrong with solitude?

If there’s one common thing in today’s society, today’s thread of thinking, the modern worlds media, today’s family institutions, schools and universities is that they all discourage and sometimes scorn solitude. They all painfully shy away from solitude of the self choosing the blissful escape of company. Solitude of the self is not only frowned upon, discouraged, made fun of, it is also considered abnormal by and within now’s institutions. I have always wanted to know why it is so, who set the standards and how can i, a proud individual and many others like me (although they may deny it out of shame) independently and joyfully exist within such a society and i hope this piece not only finds my answers but that it opens a discussion within and between individuals.

As a child i was a loner. In primary school i had one best friend and i couldn’t seem to fit in to the traditional girl groups, they always made me feel overwhelmed and if i decided to forget that fact and form a friendship with a group of girls, karma would come back to bite me as all my attempted girl group friendships deteriorated-badly. So i learnt to become accustomed to and content with having just one friend. When i changed schools in primary i was faced with the same problems-i struggled to joyfully exist within a girl group and i tried and tried and tried as each union crashed in front of me which pain was made worse by the fact that by that time i had lost so much confidence in myself and my abilities that i couldn’t manage to make and keep even one friend.

High school wasn’t any different instead it reinforced my belief and made me wonder if perhaps there wasn’t something wrong with me as every girl i know had a group of bubbly friends at her side whilst i could be seen walking along the school corridors alone as each attempted friendship just refused to work out or last any longer than 3 months. Since i was young i came to the naive conclusion that the problem lies with those girls that “did not accept” me although my low self esteem still told me that i was at fault. So i trudged along school alone, for most of my childhood and that was never okay with me because everyone said it was unusual, abnormal or a sign of depression.

With maturity and growth came the realization that i was not weird, strange, a freak, abnormal or not good enough as a child, i was just never able to handle emotional intimacy and expression with a group of girls without feeling overwhelmed and overpowering. I was never able to handle those situations because god created me that way not because i am weak or any of the words society and my peers used to describe me, point at me, ridicule me and label me and other kids who were like me. The problem is, why were we not told that we were okay, that we were enough on our own and didn’t need a group, didn’t need company to qualify ourselves to be normal?

Look around you, schools are encouraged to enforce conformity amongst students at all costs and every manner and very few schools in South Africa acknowledge the child as an individual and encourage that state of mind. Inside family institutions a child is expected to bring friends home for dinner or go out and play with their friends whilst the child who prefers to stay inside her room alone is considered abnormal. Even the media portrays Friday nights and wine as something to be shared with “the boys” or your “girlfriends” as opposed to your best friend or alone. One could say that if a child is taught to conform to a group environment that is done to socialize that child and i agree but i believe that when a child enters the stage of having to be socialized their individuality should already be established and in open existence yet this does not happen. In tertiary institutions first year students are thrown parties in order to help them belong-isn’t fitting in with yourself, belonging within yourself, and knowing oneself of a higher priority? All around you the world is telling us that being yourself, being an individual is not acceptable. The society says you have to belong somewhere or be part of something in order for your life to have meaning and worth.

As an adult i understand the importance of the self, of being alone, being my own best friend because it means i get to know myself better than anyone else thus making me exceptionally capable of making healthy decisions for myself, i learn to trust and love myself thus creating a healthy individual that does not need external validation, i know how to centre myself thus creating an internally harmonious and emotionally balanced human being and i have more time on my hands to think, plan and dream – on my own. Those children that walk on the school corridors don’t know that, he and she does not know that their individuality, their solitude doesn’t make them different, instead it builds them and makes them stronger individuals.

Iyanla Vanzant once said that before we develop spirituality, we are encouraged to develop personality and that well encapsulates my point. In spirituality you are alone with your deity and you face your demons and greatness on your own without any influence or shame. When you develop a personality you have to share it with other people and sometimes it has to be approved or validated by other people or societies norms. Teach your children to develop a spirituality and be proud of their solitude and feel whole on their own because if you can’t make yourself happy then you won’t make anyone else happy.

I happen to perform well with crowds, I’m good at making friends and i enjoy being in other peoples company. This may come as a surprise though and i still prefer my own company to a banging party any day because nothing is wrong with solitude as solitude of the self is the knowledge of self and the happiest place in the world.